On Monday, Governor Newsom announced that a team of non-essential workers in need of new jobs would begin constructing a 90-foot tall golden statue in downtown Los Angeles this week. Upon completion of the statue, every Sunday morning an image of the golden statue would be livestreamed throughout the state at 10 am, at which time all residents of California would be required to stand in front of their houses and watch the image on their mobile devices. As soon as the livestream began to play music, all California residents would then be required to bow down prostrate in front of their cell phones and worship the image.

A few local Christians complained about the ordinance as a violation of their freedom of religion. However, Newsom’s secretary quickly reminded Californians that since Newsom had already outlawed church meetings due to the coronavirus crisis, Christians’ schedules should be open on Sunday mornings, so they should have no conflict of interest in attending the worship of the image.

Indeed, many prominent pastors spoke up in support of Newsom’s statue mandate. “These are unprecedented times, in spite of what Ecclesiastes 1 says about there being nothing new under the sun,” one commented. “Therefore, it makes sense to suspend ordinary application of scriptural principles about not making a graven image or worshiping anything other than God, because neither coronavirus nor cell phones even existed when the Bible was written. Honestly, what could such archaic people know about dictatorial governments, catastrophic plagues, beautiful images that appeal to the masses, or the relentless pressure to conform? We have to understand the Bible within our own context, which means worshiping this digital image of the golden statue.”

“Everyone is just doing the best they can in these times of coronavirus,” another faceless pastor who just blended in with the mob behind him added. “We’ve had a lot of division in our nation these past few months, and Jesus would want us to get along and avoid conflict at all costs, like He did. This golden image is something that finally brings us all together, as long as we all obey the government mandate and punish those who disagree until we have blotted their names from the face of the earth.”

When polled, 87% of California pastors agreed that a careful reading of Romans 13 means that we should do anything the government tells us to, including bowing down and worshiping a golden image, and 84% strongly agreed with the statement, “Since all authority is established by God, anything a government official tells us to do was God’s idea, which means that God is currently most glorified by us worshiping Newsom’s golden image.”

However, a few extremists pushed back with claims that the Bible is full of examples of God fearers who practiced political dissent when the governing authorities required them to violate their religious beliefs, using a rallying cry of “We must obey God rather than men” (a quote falsely attributed to the apostles Peter and John, but proved to be fake news by a Snopes article). Thankfully, most of the members of that dangerous anarchist group have already been taken off the streets after caught praying in the name of Jesus last week in clear defiance of Newsom’s previous mandate, which made it illegal for residents of 30 counties to pray to anyone other than himself.

“Have I heard the comparisons to the book of Daniel? Sure,” laughed a more popular pastor. “These fire and brimstone types will twist Scripture to make any dimwitted political point they want to. Frankly, they’re scared of science, and they don’t have compassion for other people. What is happening in California right now has nothing to do with the book of Daniel. Besides, look at this meme making fun of those holier-than-thou idiots! See how big their noses are in this picture?! Gosh, they’re all such hypocrites! I hope they get eaten by a lion or burned up by the fires of global warming.”

At the time of press release, Newsom had not yet specified what the golden statue would actually be an image of. Some speculated that it would be a statue of himself, while others contended that it would be a spiky coronavirus ball or a locked prison door. Conspiracy theories circulating online suggest that it will be an image of a giant chocolate bunny, though it is unclear where that idea came about or what it is supposed to represent.